All these while i have been living in great denial:
Of my feelings.
Of my needs.
Of my wants.

My relationship with Mr.RJ kicked off with a pretty rough start. I have Mr.DM to affirm on that point.

Throughout the whole process, i had put forward my feelings before his. I allowed the selfish side of me to emerge and take control; apparently to function as a test, which is partly true. But the truth is, i was just being selfish. Because i had had several shitty experiences before him, i decided that it was time to prioritize my happiness since i am young, free and single. The freedom that i was blessed with was surreal. I couldn't believe how much fun i had with myself and my frenz. And from then on, i pampered myself with the carefree and reckless side of me. Therefore to allow him to be a part of my life was insignificant at that moment. I did not need him. I did not want him.

Mr.RJ did not, however, give up. Despite several confrontations and bitter incidents between me and him, and most of them due to coincidential misunderstandings, he did not give up on me. He kept coming back to me regardless of the deleted contact details. He kept trying to win my heart with his frequent invitations of meeting up and what nots, only to face negaitve responses, one after the other. If it wasn't because i was already engaged in a certain activity, it was because i didn't feel like doing it because i didn't want to lead him or give him too much hope.

I kept reminding myself of the dark side of being with him especially his irritatingly frustrating habit that never fail to tick me off. And you know me, little things can amuse me easily. Similarly, little things can infuriate me as well.i won't mention what though. But most of the time, i can assure you that i tried so hard to look at the negative side of him, so that i have a reason to hold a grunge against him, so that i won't have to like him as much. So that i won't fall into that pithole, i.e. falling in love.

It wasn't until our last outing at Gold Coast that i finally saw the sincerity in him. How much effort he is willing to exert, how much trouble he would go to just to make me happy, how much he really wanted to be with me...

Til then, i realised, why am i being such a pain? Why can't i just admit that i connect with this guy? Why can't i admit that he does make me happy? Why can't i appreciate his doings? Why can't i try to understand him as much as he is trying to understand me?

Obviously i can't run over the details of what exactly has happened between the past four months of knowing each other for you to better understand the whole situation. But all i can say is, he is definitely worth it. I'm just afraid that i am not.

Well, well, well. Guess who finally got a taste of home bitter-sweet home? Why, me of course!

Having said that, i appologize for leaving you beautiful people out there high and dry with my lack of update. Blame it on the minute raya buzz in me and the inevitable classic hormone - laziness. Most would assume that i'd be wrapped up with my present life when in actual fact, there's not much going on. Well maybe not around me, but definitely in the head.

Perhaps the only highlight, apart from meeting the family and frenz, would have to be my intimate moments with the closed ones, especially Mr.AR. OK this is gonna lead to a temporary gushing moment so bear with me.

I'd have to say that I am beyond ecstatic now that we've picked up where we left off and definitely patched things up with the deep and meaningful conversations we spewed over our meetings. Geez it's a wonderful feeling isn't it? It's one of those times when you can't help but grin from ear to ear upon bidding farewell as the both of yous finally but reluctantly decide to call it a night. Particularly since it's a long time buddy. And a damn good one at that. Even describing how i felt throughout that instant and after still managed to have a goofy smile plastered onto my face.

Also, i was taken aback when we both discovered that we were in the same state of mind AND same experience. Well, fairly similar anyway. But nevertheless, it's like we're guiding each other throughout the same journey, the same path, the same everything. It wasn't until then that i was assured that we were both reflections of each other or that we were both brought into this world together as one person but somehow along the way our souls slipped and fell into the dicing machine and thus, splitting our hormones with him inheriting my masculinity ones and i left with his femininity. Not that i am ungrateful and not that it's religiously possible but... A little tweak of imagination here and there just brings more life to the story innit? Heehaw ~

Oh and also, mine got stuck in the gears of the machine for a year [because Mr.AR is a year older see] so the lucky beeyatch got a taste of life a year before me. Pfft. Lucky brat.

Funny what time can do to a person - it runs away from you when you needed it most but lingers around for long when you want it to pass by quickly. And it doesn't stop sinning there. It does stuff to your head. Well, my head anyway. Thoughts race at 300kmph and often, consisting of unnecessary and irrelevant ones. What's more, those with too much on their hands are the ones most productive, in a sadistic way. If, y'know what i mean.

Right time for a little retreat now. Those interested in the touchy feely side of me should watch out for my 'Discovery Channel' post following this, fairly soon ;]

Meanwhile have a jolly good on

mp3:
Sudirman - Dari Jauh Ku Pohon Maaf
Mamat - Ku Pohon Restu Ayah Bonda
M. Nasir - Satu Hari Di Hari Raya
Aishah - Setitis Cahaya Di Aidilfitri
Siti Nurhaliza - Air Mata Syawal

[center image extracted then modified from ayermuleh]

Somehow the image above makes us seem like we're some kinda bandits or something. Nevertheless, i had to censor our faces by blurring our beyond peculiar facial features to preserve annonymity. For those who are keen/curious/obsessed with our looks, the 'uncensored' version can be found in my LiveJournal ;p

The mother and father rang from motherland earlier this evening. Let's just say there were more tears than laughters. Having said that, it's pretty obvious that i long for the "Damit jua ko mengarat kek atu, NS! Jangantah karit deh," and "Damiti muzik mu atu sikit NS! Pakak bapa mu ani kang," rants from mumy & dady dearest respectively. Therefore, the gloomy ambience is currently draining my mood to post despite the festive season. So i guess i ought to go drool over the following images.

and

Meanwhile you lot have a good one. Also, not forgetting a massive thank you shoutout for all the lovely raya greetings from the lovely readers. *BiGGG HugzZz*

A handful of bored individuals managed to stumble across my site by keying in the following criteria that brought them to http://ns.crapism.org

Altavista & Google searchengine queries:
1. smelling panties in laundry
2. my fly was undone
3. mysterious 'holes in clothing'
4. red mitsubishis
5. chibai

Those are, among the many, my top five favourites. Cool or what? Now noble sinner's reputation revolves around panties, fanny and pills. Sweet ;]

On the contrary, i must have some bot attacking my site on a particular post or something. Well it's bloody irritating. Those IPs have been leaving links on my comment boxes. What the hell do these spam agents think i am? Their advertising medium? I mean, sure it might seem like i'm reporting almost all major life-threatening *snort* matters on site but really, do i look like your local publicity enthusiast? Like i'm not much of a blabbermouth already right? Hmph.

Diet advice lah. Medical advice lah. Direct TV adverts and the like. Chipet.

There. There's something new to lookup your fave search engine.

Speaking of blabbering, i seriously need to watch what i say. Often i'd land myself in the most awkward situation either because:
(a) i think i had said something that i shouldn't have, OR
(b) i know i had said something that i shouldn't have said.

Like that time when Ms.YA's boyfren, Mr.YH, unexpectedly walked into the study room while Ms.YA was preapring us supper. He prompted us for the user of his girlfren's nick, whom is apparently off limits on MIRC.
[justification: MIRC was where they hooked up together and so Mr.YH is skeptical about Ms.YA's intention to chat there again]

Moving on, Ms.OL, sat next to me and undeinably gifted with a brain, covered Ms.YA by taking the blame. I, on the other hand, yelled Ms.YA's name instead of Ms.OL's. The irony was that finger confidently pointed towards Ms.OL. That moment lead to raised eyebrows from Mr.YH, arched eyebrows from Ms.YA and crossed ones from Ms.OL.

Mine?

I think mine fell off. Both sides too. I spent the whole nite appologizing to Ms.YA discreetly for my clumsiness and also reassured Mr.YH that i was thinking about the food prepared in the kitchen by Ms.YA. Hence, leading me to blurt out her name despite the chatter being Ms.OL. Pfft. I'm pathetic when it comes to white lies.

Then last nite, upon returning from the Royal Exchange, me and Mr.DM entered into an unusually very silent apartment of ours. So based on the present situation, we assumed that our third flatmate, Ms.WL was out. So in a mocking/joking tone i chanted a very eager "YES!". Though i must point out, that i have nothing against her and that i was only being a goofball, as always. We always do that to each other - healthy mockery.

So i proceeded into my bachelorette-flair bedroom [bejurit nyamo] after a good 15 minutes worth of spring cleaning. Upon checking my emails, i heard a soft rap on the door. I turned around and received the shock of the week. It was Ms.WL! She had been in her bedroom all along! Dozing off i think.

Naturally, being the blur prick that i was, i didn't remember what i said earlier on in the entrance until she went back to sleep again. Seriously, i felt like pounding myself with the bananas i just bought from Coles. Hmph.

I reported this concern to Mr.DM, who agreed that i ought to clarify the ridicule to Ms.WL before she gets the wrong idea about me being overjoyed with her absence, which, is not the case by the way. I enjoy the company of both my flatmates immensely. And i'm not just saying that to suck up but it's because that's how i really feel. If i were unhappy about something or someone i'd say it straight to their face, regardless of whether they are able to accept it or not.

That too, is one of the main reasons why i hate myself when i speak up. The probability of me wounding others' feelings due to my straightforward nature is beyond possible. Shame on me.

I just need to remind myself to be aware of the appropriate scenario, i.e. when to speak and when not to - often only when the situation really calls for it. Otherwise my foes list will surely outnumber my friends'. That's not good. Though i honestly don't give a flying rat's ass on who fancies me and who doesn't. But PR is extremely crucial these days. You never know.

Oh for those who don't already know, i'm also posting daily rants on livejournal for the more 'undisclosed' entries. Accessibility is restricted so add/sign up.

Heehaw~

As promised, a little sneak peak on the twisted tradition Mr.DM and myself discovered as flatmates.

David Meera strutting his moves.

The gay PDA.

In elevator transporting us to our unit.

Also, last night's episode was indeed saucy. Apparently Ms.M, as predicted, reunited with her girlfren AND to top that, they both had gotten engaged! Whoopie-do.

That's not bizarre by the way. To me anyway. I know of two gay couples in Canada who recently decided to tie the knot and who also happen to be my mates. Hence, whilst others would regard this so-called 'lifestyle' a little bit too peculiar for their likings, it's pretty much of a norm for me.

So when Ms.M made the announcement, i simply smiled and congratulated her. And Mr.DM, being the smartass that he is, queried on my well-being. LOL. Like it mattered!

I am aware of the reasonably large fraction of the society whom are against gay marriages due to moral issues and ethical beliefs. I respect their opinion and in return, hope that they would respect mine for viewing it as being an OK matter. Because honestly, i couldn't be bothered as i have better things to worry about. Like i always say, i live my life based on the principle of doing whatever one wishes to do provided that what they are doing will not bring harm or whatsoever to those surrounding them.

In other words, you get on with your life & i'll get on with mine; Don't step on my toes & we'll get along just fine.

However, i do think that gay couples having children is a little bit too extreme. I understand the prospect of wanting to raise a household and have a complete family just like everybody else. But one cannot afford to turn a blind eye and remain ignorant towards the anti party. As there are still and will always be people who strongly oppose this concept, it won't make the life of the child any easier. It would indeed be a blessing should the child grow up with a high level of self-esteem and possess the necessary strength to shut the discrimination away from his/her life. But realistically, what are the odds of this happening to every child whose parents/guardian are gay and married to each other? What if the child realises that he/she isn't built for this type of challenging scenario? I'm pretty sure that it will bring about some serious consequence to the kid and his future.

But then again, that's just my point of view. Meanwhile i have to shove this thingamajig aside to make way for my BSAC1101 final revision before i enter the examination hall with a head full of gay-related issues and ideas. Wonder how that would affect the marking experience of the examiner.

mp3:
Tiesto Feat. Kirsty Hawkshaw - Just Be
Paul Oakenfold - Southern Sun
Ian Van Dahl - I Can't Let You Go
John 00 Fleming - I'm Not Fooled
4 Strings - Take Me Away

Woke up this morning & thought "eh?"

Approaching the edge of my bedroom balcony...

It's raining again!

Hee. I can't help with being easily amused. Sor-rey.

Another bleak weather today. It has been pouring for the past couple of days which has ultimately affected my mood as well. Surprisingly, i find myself embracing the tranquility instead of typically allowing myself to trip into the sullen pit. I like it like this.

OK that's enough, ns. Too much lust for something insignificant.

Several years back, i remember being extremely psyched as soon as someone mentions the word "Life". I remember having the desperate urge to discuss about it, being abnormally descriptive, being immensely passionate about its elements, and overall, being unhealthily in love with it.

Now though, i can't help but scoff whenever the word falls to my malfunctioned eardrums.

It's not that i am being unkind to those who appreciate life as it is [there, mentioning it is enough to make me cringe]. Whatever you feel strongly about, go for it. It's just that, back then i was beyond naive and had expectations that were impossible for an average person to live up to. i fail to recognise that beings are imperfect. As a consequence, a series of dissapointing incidents kept lining up one behind the other.

Like everybody else, i have been burnt. I acknowledge this fact. Also, i am aware that if it hadn't been for those painful lessons, i wouldn't have seen the many individual traits. It just saddens me whenever i under or over-estimate a person's capabilities. Especially by those whom i thought i could surrender my trust whole-heartedly. Serves me right though. I have been warned. It's my fault that i chose not to listen and went against the odds. Having said that, i do not, however, have the slightest ounce of regret. While some would find it ironic, i find it logical for the absence of those mishaps would have encouraged me to live my life *gloat* naively.

WAIT. Op, op. i just have to point something out: How naive is pronounced as nah-yi-eve and not neyve as it is spelt.

Heehaw~

Anyway, my point is, i agree i am a bitter & miserable person who can't help but have a lot of doubts and worries, especially when it comes to people who are so irritatingly nice. Nice people scare me. Fullstop.

Pretty contradicting to what i said earlier on, about not being depressed with the weather. And yet here i am, posting another gloomy entry. Sheesh. I need to rack my brain for necessary purposes, like for tomorrow's BSAC1101 exam. But before that, i'm looking forward with my male partner in crime, Mr.DM, to keep the tradition alive - the last sunday nite gateway to better prepare and brace ourselves for the new, if not the challenging [HAH!], week ahead by going out clubbing.

I know, i know. We're just sadistic party freaks who just don't know when to call it a day.

Will probably narate another series of tonite's episode tomorrow should there be anything interesting to share with you lot. Meanwhile, take it easy.

For the Big poo

I'm missing out on this bit tonight!

Yes, the third best DJ in the world & i gave him up for my accounting books. Pfft. Now there's an improvement.

As for the main event;
HAPPY 20TH BIRHTDAY TO THE BIG POO, MR.AL

The best guy buddy i've ever and can ever wish for. You mean alot to me pal. Just thought you'd know that. Have a good one while you anticipate your post-b'day celebration with me in two weeks time ;]

Lub yah to bits. Always will no matter what.