Brusheff

All these while i have been living in great denial:
Of my feelings.
Of my needs.
Of my wants.

My relationship with Mr.RJ kicked off with a pretty rough start. I have Mr.DM to affirm on that point.

Throughout the whole process, i had put forward my feelings before his. I allowed the selfish side of me to emerge and take control; apparently to function as a test, which is partly true. But the truth is, i was just being selfish. Because i had had several shitty experiences before him, i decided that it was time to prioritize my happiness since i am young, free and single. The freedom that i was blessed with was surreal. I couldn't believe how much fun i had with myself and my frenz. And from then on, i pampered myself with the carefree and reckless side of me. Therefore to allow him to be a part of my life was insignificant at that moment. I did not need him. I did not want him.

Mr.RJ did not, however, give up. Despite several confrontations and bitter incidents between me and him, and most of them due to coincidential misunderstandings, he did not give up on me. He kept coming back to me regardless of the deleted contact details. He kept trying to win my heart with his frequent invitations of meeting up and what nots, only to face negaitve responses, one after the other. If it wasn't because i was already engaged in a certain activity, it was because i didn't feel like doing it because i didn't want to lead him or give him too much hope.

I kept reminding myself of the dark side of being with him especially his irritatingly frustrating habit that never fail to tick me off. And you know me, little things can amuse me easily. Similarly, little things can infuriate me as well.i won't mention what though. But most of the time, i can assure you that i tried so hard to look at the negative side of him, so that i have a reason to hold a grunge against him, so that i won't have to like him as much. So that i won't fall into that pithole, i.e. falling in love.

It wasn't until our last outing at Gold Coast that i finally saw the sincerity in him. How much effort he is willing to exert, how much trouble he would go to just to make me happy, how much he really wanted to be with me...

Til then, i realised, why am i being such a pain? Why can't i just admit that i connect with this guy? Why can't i admit that he does make me happy? Why can't i appreciate his doings? Why can't i try to understand him as much as he is trying to understand me?

Obviously i can't run over the details of what exactly has happened between the past four months of knowing each other for you to better understand the whole situation. But all i can say is, he is definitely worth it. I'm just afraid that i am not.